Women are attracted to confidence.
But, how does a guy attract women if women are what make him confident?
This is the biggest trap that a guy can ever fall in to. And there is almost no clean way of escaping it.
Well, I fucked things up good and proper over the weekend again. BTW, I just found out about it about an hour ago.
So, I had a date over the weekend with someone I thought I would never get a date with. She is someone from the scene and is newly single as of a month ago. We have a lot of common interests: science fiction, fantasy, anime, hardcore, parties, and lots of other random things. She had lots of traits that I find preferable. We had been talking every now and then online and over the phone and the chemistry was all there. What I really mean is that it is the best I had hit it off with any of the girls I have approached in recent memory.
The date itself goes extremely well (or so I thought). I picked her up, we had a late brunch, we went back to my place to watch anime, after a couple of hours of anime, we watched some turntabilism videos online, watched another episode of anime, played around on the decks in the studio, made it back to my room for a while, had a late dinner where we could find it, and then I drove her home. Throughout all of it we kept up a great level of conversation. But, it turns out that I fucked it up along the way. She does not want to see me anymore.
That seems to be the recurrent theme in my life though… I always fuck things up, generally, before things even get started. It happened a month ago. I did not even get to the first date with that girl. Not too long before that, another girl that had a lot of personality traits that I was compatible with got tired of all of the shit that I was giving her. And with both of those incidents, I can come back to reasons that clearly make it my own damn fault.
College was a nightmare that involved me fucking things up a few times and dwelling on them for great amounts of time. Again, I fucked things up before things even started.
The classic that started it all was Maria in high school. Talk about fucking it up before anything starts.
Of course there were more incidents aside from the recent three and the college days. I think I am getting better at learning from these experiences, but I also think that I feel like an angsty fourteen-year-old.
While the girl from this past weekend was not 100% on the combination of traits I look for in a partner, she was pretty damn close. And that is what makes it all the more disappointing to me this time… Why kicking myself in the ass hurts so much this time…
Anyone that really knows me knows that I have not had a girlfriend, even for a while before the Maria incident. I am twenty-seven years old now and I have jack shit to show for it. All the money, material posessions, acquaintances, and friends in the world cannot fill the void that exists when you have no love. They can only distract from your loneliness for finite periods of time.
All I can do is sit here, be lonely, try to learn from these incidents, try to move forward, and try to figure out ways to paint these lemons gold while feeling the gravity of it all…
