Filed under: Thoughts
I am still feeling dead from partying on Saturday night, but I feel higher than a kite right now. So many things are swinging my way now that I cannot believe it is all happening now. I wish I had time to go into more detail right now, but I really need to sleep. Soon, perhaps…
Filed under: Thoughts
The lone love-bird’s songs are heard by no one…
Women are attracted to confidence.
But, how does a guy attract women if women are what make him confident?
This is the biggest trap that a guy can ever fall in to. And there is almost no clean way of escaping it.
Filed under: Thoughts
It is odd, but yet astonishing that all of this hopeless sorrow I have felt lately just seems to vanish when I talk to girls I do not know who have some level of interest in me. I am not sure what that says for my character, but at least I know I feel better.
The normal run of things is not completely back though. I still feel tired and unproductive, just not quite as much before these past few days.
I hesitate to raise my hopes because it is still early yet. But, these conversations keep me from feeling broken and that is important.
Filed under: Thoughts
Never in my life have I ever felt so unmotivated to do anything…
Filed under: Thoughts
I have been having trouble sleeping. Usually, it has been around five hours each time. And when I tried to go to sleep yesterday morning, I started reading to try to fall asleep. I ended up reading for somewhere around seven hours before I finally fell asleep. The day had already broken by then…
The book is certainly a good book, but never before have I ever read so long while trying to fall asleep.
Yesterday, I bought an old CD player to go along with the stereo I brought back from home. I brought the stereo back because the discman I was using is dying. I also brought back a spare DVD player to use as a CD player, but the sound is set to come out of the optical jack and the only way to change it is with the remote, which my parents lost. So, instead of spending $18 on a universal remote for the DVD player. I decided to spend $20 on a real CD player.
After I got it back to the garage, I quickly found out that it has issues reading CD’s that are not pressed. It plays pressed CD’s and some homemade CD’s just fine. But in the end, I just traded one set of quirks for another. I bought it through a Craig’s ad, so it is nothing else that can be done about it now.
All this stuff going on just makes me feel empty.
Filed under: Thoughts
My arm is stiff and sore from the tetanus shot.
I tried fixing the garage door opener, but it insists on being randomly retarded. I hate it.
I have not been feeling very productive and in some ways I cannot be productive because I should stay off my feet until the hole heals up most of the way.
Overall, I still feel the same about everything…
Filed under: Thoughts
Everything seems to be falling apart around me…
The subs in my car went completely dead. I have a very noticeable pock-mark in my windshield from a rock. My car lacks clear-bra. Another one of my hard drives is dying. My garage door opener is on the fritz. People around here are disappointing me. My relationship-life went from a whole lot of potential to a whole lot of nothing. My foot has a hole in it from stepping on a nail on Saturday.
And here I am, scraping every single cent that I can so that I can maybe have just enough to put down on a house so that I can stop throwing money in the rent void.
Right now, I feel like I really need to get away from it all. But I feel trapped because even just the act of getting away costs so much when I am literally saving every single penny that I can.
Life does not feel like it is going right at all right now. It has felt this way for at least the past two weeks. It is seriously making me take up my plans for relocating again. The dilemma is that staying around here is a compromise for my dad. Pretty much anywhere between here and my parents is not ideal for me. And my ideal location is just about the furthest I could be from my parents.
I am unhappy…
Well, I fucked things up good and proper over the weekend again. BTW, I just found out about it about an hour ago.
So, I had a date over the weekend with someone I thought I would never get a date with. She is someone from the scene and is newly single as of a month ago. We have a lot of common interests: science fiction, fantasy, anime, hardcore, parties, and lots of other random things. She had lots of traits that I find preferable. We had been talking every now and then online and over the phone and the chemistry was all there. What I really mean is that it is the best I had hit it off with any of the girls I have approached in recent memory.
The date itself goes extremely well (or so I thought). I picked her up, we had a late brunch, we went back to my place to watch anime, after a couple of hours of anime, we watched some turntabilism videos online, watched another episode of anime, played around on the decks in the studio, made it back to my room for a while, had a late dinner where we could find it, and then I drove her home. Throughout all of it we kept up a great level of conversation. But, it turns out that I fucked it up along the way. She does not want to see me anymore.
That seems to be the recurrent theme in my life though… I always fuck things up, generally, before things even get started. It happened a month ago. I did not even get to the first date with that girl. Not too long before that, another girl that had a lot of personality traits that I was compatible with got tired of all of the shit that I was giving her. And with both of those incidents, I can come back to reasons that clearly make it my own damn fault.
College was a nightmare that involved me fucking things up a few times and dwelling on them for great amounts of time. Again, I fucked things up before things even started.
The classic that started it all was Maria in high school. Talk about fucking it up before anything starts.
Of course there were more incidents aside from the recent three and the college days. I think I am getting better at learning from these experiences, but I also think that I feel like an angsty fourteen-year-old.
While the girl from this past weekend was not 100% on the combination of traits I look for in a partner, she was pretty damn close. And that is what makes it all the more disappointing to me this time… Why kicking myself in the ass hurts so much this time…
Anyone that really knows me knows that I have not had a girlfriend, even for a while before the Maria incident. I am twenty-seven years old now and I have jack shit to show for it. All the money, material posessions, acquaintances, and friends in the world cannot fill the void that exists when you have no love. They can only distract from your loneliness for finite periods of time.
All I can do is sit here, be lonely, try to learn from these incidents, try to move forward, and try to figure out ways to paint these lemons gold while feeling the gravity of it all…
Filed under: Thoughts
I have a lot of thoughts to write about from the past week, but right now I need to get to bed. I hope to get to them after this weekend. Though, for the time being, I feel pretty lonesome…
